The big dream

So. We are going to farm. Starting small, replenishing our laying chickens, adding meat cickens, planting a large garden, and getting into the farmers' market scene.

Eventually raising animals to produce our (and others) meat and dairy needs as well as bees and honey production. This feels so right to us, it is a bit like waking up, a bit like shaking off the dust of sleep and yawning into the morning.

I think most of all I look forward to long hours spent with this land, the family land, the heritage we received and that will remain.

Cheyne will finish school, we will prioritize our budgeting goals and being sensible. But it is going to happen. Because we want to be of use. And we have good people.

"The miraculous is not extraordinary but the common mode of existence. It is our daily bread. Whoever really has considered the lilies of the field or the birds of the air and pondered the improbability of their existence in this warm world within the cold and empty stellar distances will hardly balk at the turning of water into wine - which was, after all, a very small miracle. We forget the greater and still continuing miracle by which water (with soil and sunlight) is tured into grapes."

-Wendell Berry

Thankful

I am thankful.
For my children who are healthy and sweet voiced and salty with sweat,
who roll through the woods and use eyeshadow to paint their whole faces green.
For my husband, who calms my soul, who loves me, who is a father we all would be lucky to have.
For my extended family, particularly my mom and Aunt Wreatha, who open their hearts and homes to family, and sing gospel for hours afterward.
For Cheyne's family, who are warm, and good, and loving. Whom I love to be around.
For my friends, the many, many people I love and am loved by.
For my church family, the people who are the core of my reality. My people, who have stepped into community in a way that makes grace happen for all of us. My people.
Mostly I am thankful for Jesus, my constant encourager, who never gives up on me. He fills me in ways surprising and new, and I find myself going deeper into His mystery, longing for time with Him.
With Thanks.

Honestly

So I was tagged by Jazz, my amazing friend, to write a list of ten honest things. Hmmm.

Here goes!

1] I am quite radical in a lot of my beliefs. I would love to live in a commune, if it could feasibly work. I like intentional comunities, green living, pacifist sort of living. The flip side of this is I can never be a cop, because I could never shoot anyone. And I would be a badass detective. I am extremely paradoxical, and I have figured out most people are the same way.

2] I have a hard time with almost crippling insecurity in friendships. Luckily, I have an incredible group of ladies who have inspired this trait into obscurity, and I am shining as much light on it as possible, which really transforms the whole thing.

3] I am unequivocally positive-life. Because I am pro woman. I had an abortion, and there was nothing empowering about it. however, I oppose standing outside of clinics. I support the radical noton of true sisterhood, of offering real tangible support for women, and removing judgement when dealing with this issue. focusing on being proactive instead of reactive has helped me immensely. Ghandi, Emma Goldman, and Alice Paul all spoke against abortion.

4] I hate the telephone. Or at least I did until I got this sweet little thing called an iphone. I loooove texting, which I just began doing this year. I like facebook, I like quick effective communication. If I feel sentimental, I send a letter or a rad postcard.

5] I stay up at night worrying I have not lived up to my full potential.

6] I struggle alot with faith. Fear likes the driver seat in my brain. I tend to park the car while they duke it out. Not a very productive approach.

7] I love the Carpenters. Not in an ironic way, but in a sing at the top of my lungs way.

8] I am a little addicted to books. Like it may become a problem somedy. Like I read a whole book at least every other day. i spend my lunch hour devouring books on children, mysteries, for my book club, theological books, books about Coco Chanel (!!). I love them. Books are pivotal to who I am, third only to music, which is second only to God.

9] I am an autodidact. I am wired differently. I have yet to come to terms with this.

10] I like life a lot better sober, but I struggle daily with life on life's terms.

I wish I could tag more folks, but alas my blog reading has been woefully negligent lately. I need to download a blogroller app!

Falling in to autumn

So Autumn has arrived, and with it that wonderful crisp feeling. I feel newer at autumn than at spring. Must be something about composting, worms turning soil, hibernation, and flying south for the winter. I am a fan of apples, pumpkins, Halloween, snuggly mornings, and falling leaves.
It has been a difficult and transitional year. I feel ready to buckle down and focus. It is now my favorite time of year!
One new thing we have implemented at our house is family drawing time. After supper we clear the table and spend a half hour to an hour art-ing together. I also am focusing on simplifying our lives, getting rid of, and re establishing.
I feel warm and cold, that autumn sensation, ready for harvest moons and trick or treat!

Elevation

I have had ths cough-cold-nastiness for weeks now. It has reached it's zenith and since I am staying home sick from work, I thought I would blog.
I feel unsure. About many things. Except God, although I do a pretty decent job of keeping him at arm's length.
I am going through the motions on many levels and in so many areas and it is starting to get exhausting. I want something inspiring. I want something soaring to take hold.
Of course, fear is holding me back, at least in equal amount as circumstance.
But circumstance is there.
I just know I want more than a circumstantial existence. I want something more.
I am losing sleep over this.
I am praying hard about this.
I still feel quite alone in this.
So I will find the perfect song....

truly....

In the end, the only thing there is can only be the truth.
Beautiful, terrifying, purifying, hard to swallow, the cure for it all, paradoxical, undeniable, glistening, sweet, truth.
And if you can just accept that, and detach your head from the thousands of denials and excuses and regrets and just live in the truth of this moment......
I promise you will sleep better tonight.
Truth is in everything; the sunrise is truth, but only this day's truth.
Get it while you can.
"Speak the truth and fear no man."
Yeah.

Sharpness and relief

I woke up Sunday feeling prickly and tired. I wanted to stay under the covers, but against all odds, i made it out of bed and to church, where I continued in a disoriented fog. It is as if the world becomes too crisp and sharply focused, and I feel disoriented and unable to make sense enouch to speak.
Inevitably I go ahead and push myself into a social setting at these times.
I feel an inner pressure building, but I cannot stop the guilt train if I take a day off....
...until now.
Although the service was lovely, I couldn't keep my focus, I was tired and antsy and wanted to rest and recoup. This emotional overload almost always precipitates some sort of spiritual breakthrough for me, and I am very private and feel so exposed when these are going on. I want to cocoon, to daydream, to journal, to make a plan.
And guilt or not, nobody needs an agitated Candice. My normal demeanor is what some could call animated, so add all this weird crackling angst, and it is a weird experience.
So I am gonna get back to loving myself and making sure I am paying attention to my own signals. I can become consumed worrying about everyone else's.
Which brings me back to trusting God. And trusting that the gifts He has given me are purposeful, and needed and worth developing.
hmmmm.